You may have noticed over the past few weeks the genre of music you cover and the geographic area in which you reside has been impacted by tragedy and natural disaster. I am writing this letter to let you know that these acts of god were perpetrated by me, the one, the only, true God of Metal because I can no longer tolerate your bloated ego and continuous self promotion. On August 24, 2011 you tweeted “I’m quoted in the obituary on Jani Lane in the Rolling Stone with Chilli Peppers on the cover. He is on TMS this Saturday night.” PT Barnum follows you on Twitter in Heaven and even he exclaimed “Are you fucking kidding me?” Your continuous acts of promoting yourself left me with no recourse but to unleash the fury of Hurricane Irene on Sebastian Bach’s house.
To be clear Eddie, I don’t think you’re a bad guy. Radio is a tough business and you’ve carved out a nice niche for yourself and been a champion for a genre of music that is often overlooked or ignored. But you’re also a bit of a tool. Do you honestly believe Coney Hatch is one of the finest bands to ever come out of Canada? Everyone knows Canada has NEVER produced a band worth a shit. But this letter has nothing to do with your questionable positions and endorsements of mediocre or worse bands. We all have our guilty pleasures and it appears Coney Hatch is one of yours (I’m a Riot man myself).
No Eddie, I’m writing this because you have a pathological desire to make yourself the center of attention no matter what the story is. Ronnie James Dio dies (He told me to tell you hello by the way. He would have done it himself but he’s out slaying dragons and chasing rainbows. You know that Ronnie!) and you post essays and host shows which lead into diatribes about how much Ronnie liked you and how much you are hurting because Ronnie’s dead. Jani Lane dies and you proceed to tweet that you’re quoted in an obituary in a magazine. Promote your radio gigs, That Metal Show or your book (which from your 5,000 tweets on it I understand Rob Halford, who has taken my name in vain as The Metal God on the mortal plane) has written the forward to. Unfortunately Eddie, that kind of promotion isn’t good enough for you is it?
No the same day you tweeted you were quoted in an obituary in a magazine (a Twitter first I believe), you also tweeted “can we please kill the term “hair band”. It’s what people used to disparage almost every band from the 80s. Not a compliment to bands/scene.” Are you fucking serious Eddie? The website this letter was written for had more hits by 5am then those all hair bands combined have had since 1991. When you say “Motown” you instantly think of the Temptations, Four Tops, Marvin Gaye and all the other groups that recorded for that label and the instantly identifiable sound on those great records. The Cars get lumped in with New Wave but other than synthesizers and skinny ties, were they really New Wave? Has Ric Ocasek bitched about it? What about Dixieland Jazz, Rockabilly, Southern Rock, Skater Punk, or every other tag used to describe a band or its sound? Hair Metal or Hair Bands works as a descriptive phrase because everyone knows what kind of band you’re talking about when you say it. The bands had similar looks and many had similar sounds. Some were good, some were fucking awful and most were flat out mediocre or forgettable at best. The fact that you are fighting what you perceive to be a derogatory label 20 years after the majority of music listeners lost interest is kind of pathetic and hypocritical Eddie considering you work for and draw a check from Sirius-XM which broadcasts a station called “Hair Nation.” The toothpaste is out of the tube Eddie. Good luck chasing windmills and fighting to get it back in the tube now.
So in conclusion Eddie, I want to like you more, really I do. But you make me angry and I do strange shit when I’m angry. Your bloated ego caused me to bring Jani Lane home. When you drew attention to yourself I was forced to cause an earthquake on the East Coast of the United States in hopes it would shake you to reality. When that failed I had no choice but to flood Sebastian Bach’s home. Promote your shows and book Eddie. Promote the bands you like but so help me if you send out one more tweet promoting that you’re quoted in an obituary or retweet a compliment from a fan I will unleash my wraith upon Kip Winger, Scott Ian and every past and current member of your beloved UFO. You do good work Eddie. Just stop being such a dick about it.
The Metal God
P.S. The Station Fire? That was me. I always thought Jack Russell was a dick.