Welcome to a new feature we are calling (for now anyway), Ass Watch! If all goes well this will be a semi-regular thing where me and Rob attempt to warn you away from the asses of the world.
Flame On! There’s a group that calls themselves the One Million Moms. We suspect they are all clones of Ann Romney or Tipper Gore and they like to pass themselves off as the keepers of all that is righteous. Why is it whenever a group says they represent “values” they never represent mine? The One Million Moms are up in arms over DC Comics decision to reboot the original Green Lantern, Alan Scott, and make him a gay man. Yep, the One Million Moms just can’t stop at hating real life gays; they’ve turned their attention to imaginary gays. We here at FOON believe in equal rights for all people. Why should only straight superheroes dressed in colorful, tight costumes, with rippling muscles be subjected to the evil shenanigans of super villains Lex Luthor and the Penguin? The FOON guys grew up comic book geeks and have no problem with a gay superhero. After all, many gays are forced to stay in the closet, leading a double life so that makes them uniquely qualified to be a superhero. Hell, Batman has been labeled gay since the 1950’s. Can’t understand why…let’s see his closet is actually a giant cave, has all sorts of accessories in that utility belt, is a life long bachelor, and his “girlfriends” are really just beards to let the world think he’s playboy. Notice I didn’t mention Robin. Enjoying the company of a young boy in short pants doesn’t make you gay…it makes you a priest.
So One Million Moms, do us a favor and keep your bigoted one million mouths closed. Didn’t you do enough damage when you took all the fun out of drinking and driving? It’s one gay superhero. Marvel isn’t going to reimagine Spiderman’s origin and tell us that a radioactive gay spider bit Peter Parker or that the Hulk was blasted by “gayma” rays instead of gamma rays. DC won’t follow up the Alan Scott story by telling us Superman is the last surviving son of the planet Gayton. If they want to be pissed off at something they should be mad that DC chose Alan Scott in the first place. The original Green Lantern gets his powers from a flaming green power source for Christ’s sake. Worst of all, the only thing his powers don’t work against is wood. Yep, the gay Green Lantern can’t take on wood. He will be one lonely gay superhero kids. Let’s hope Marvel gets in on the act and makes Johnny Storm, the Human Torch of the Fantastic Four gay. It would give his catchphrase “Flame on!” a whole new meaning. Maybe DC will start drawing Commissioner Gordon so he looks like the lead singer of the Village People.
Off With His Head! It hasn’t been a good couple weeks for the remaining fans of Queensryche. First came a story from Brazil that alleged that lead singer Geoff Tate got into an altercation with one band member and then went after another with a knife after overhearing the band’s plans to fire him. That was followed up a performance at the M3 festival where the band moved less than on stage than the very dead John Entwistle of the Who. Over this past weekend at Rocklahoma the band hit a new low (which is saying something if you’ve listened to anything they’ve put out since Empire) when Tate told the intimate festival crowd (either the crowd was small or they came disguised as empty seats so no one would know they were Queensryche fans) that they sucked. See it for yourself here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=d88du2GnAus
Pretty brutal eh? Now comes word that the rest of the band is forming an outfit called Rising West featuring Crimson Glory vocalist Todd La Torre (I forgot Crimson Glory was still around to be honest. RIP Midnight….no one can ever fill your mask in that bad you crazy SOB). The band has their first show next week and their setlist will be made up of songs from the first five Queensryche albums. We have a lot of fun with the fact that there are multiple versions of LA Guns and Great White but we don’t begrudge anyone making a living. If there are folks out there that want to hear your songs, go have at it just remember we have an equal right to mock you when you do something stupid (like having competing versions of awful bands). Perhaps the non-Tate members of Queensryche deserve credit for knowing there’s more money to be made these days as a Queensryche tribute act than there is playing as Queensryche.
At their peak, Queensryche fans used to brag how they were smarter than other metal bands and compared them to Rush because their lyrics were so “heavy.” I’ve made no secret of the fact that I hate the music of Rush but I will say this, those fucking Rush guys are good dudes. Watch that documentary on them and see how Alex Lifeson and Geddy Lee gladly put the band and it’s future on hold to allow Neil Peart time to recover from the tragic loss of his daughter and wife or how after 30 plus years in the band, Lifeson and Lee still bust Peart’s balls for being the “new guy” in the band. At this point if you go see a Queensryche concert you deserve the fucking abuse from Tate.
Smokin! The suicide of Boston lead singer Brad Delp is back in the news. Delp’s family blames Boston leader Tom Scholz for the frontman’s decision to kill himself while Scholz counters that Delp killed himself after Delp’s fiancée’s sister, who was living with Delp, confronted the late singer after she discovered a hidden camera in her bedroom. Scholz may be an asshole (just ask former bandmates) but unless he went into Delp’s bathroom and lit the grill that killed him than he can’t be blamed for the suicide. Now what’s interesting, and funny in a sick and bizarre way, is that Delp purchased the grill he used to asphyxiate himself from a Home Depot, the same chain that Scholz found Delp’s replacement! Home Depot gang; it’s more than just a home improvement store.
Face Off! So a dude in Miami, who police believe to be high on bath salts, is discovered eating the face of a homeless man. When he refused to back his mouth away from the face, the cop shot him. Despite taking a slug, the guy kept on consuming his meal of human flesh and only several more shots from the cop could put him down. Reports indicate the homeless guy lost 75 percent of his face in the attack. Who knew the homeless were so tasty? My Mom always told me “Don’t put that in your mouth you don’t know where that’s been!” but I guess when you’re craving face and high on bath salts, Mama’s lessons just go right out the window. If I’m Ted “The Man with the Golden Voice” Williams, I’m staying the fuck out of South Beach. Either the dawn of the zombie apocalypse is upon us or homeless faces are about to replace Big Macs as a staple of Americans’ diet.
Two Things I Hate This Week:
Train-God those guys suck. They have caused more women to start menopause prematurely than hysterectomies. Fucking awful.
Donald Trump-Give up this “birther” shit already you douche bag. I’d rather instead of eating the faces off the homeless that someone would make a meal out of Trump’s. Then again, there’s nothing appealing or appetizing about that guy.
We admit it we’ve been slacking lately. Long time listeners of the show know that Rob has been busy pursuing his education. As I noted in our last podcast, I recently joined the ranks of the unemployed and am now among the millions of Americans competing for Walmart greeter jobs. We’ll be recording a new show this weekend with American Dog to discuss their new release Poison Smile (you can order it at www.americandog.us) and that should go up early next week. Then Rob will be off on a cross country road trip that he’s dubbed Destination:Inebriation. We’ll be taking a hiatus while Rob and his spirit guide go coast to coast in search of the best swill money can buy. We have a full slate of shows with some quality guests lined up for the rest of summer. So thanks for your patience.
In FOON We Trust,