As always our intrepid reporters Lou and Lou scour the back alleys and leave no stone unturned to bring you, the reader, rock news well before any other outlet hears of it.
Sirius-XM rolled out Coldplay Radio this month. Company CEO Landers Van der Smirtz says with any luck Coldplay Radio will drive the satellite radio provider out of business for good.
Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler suffered facial injuries and knocked out several teeth after falling in the shower. People close to the big lipped Rock and Roll Hall of Famer and overpaid reality show host say Tyler has been incredibly jealous since seeing footage of Jennifer Lopez weeping on stage and wanted to steal the sympathy his American Idol co-host has received from the media. Had the shower fall not taken place, Tyler was set to announce he’d been involved in a three year homosexual affair with JLO’s former husband, Marc Anthony.
Not deterred by the tepid critical response to their new album with Lou Reed, Metallica has announced plans to produce a Broadway musical with Leonard Cohen. Drummer Lars Ulrich says he will sue any Metallica fan who attempts to purchase a ticket to the show. “It’s a very serious show” says Ulrich “and we do not want it be interrupted by crowd reaction. It’s a show designed to be performed in front of empty houses and the music is to be heard by only those involved in its creation.”
Former Metallica member and Megadeth leader Dave Mustaine says his next record with a collaboration with another former member of the Velvet Underground, John Cage. Expect their joint effort “Me Too” to be out mid-2012.
Ace Frehley’s new biography hit shelves recently. We’ve received confirmation that the book was actually ghost written by Tommy Thayer.
The long shelved Beach Boys record “Smile” is finally going to see the light of day nearly 45 years after people stopped giving a damn.
The Flaming Lips have announced an iPad tribute to recently deceased Apple founder Steve Jobs. We aren’t saying The Flaming Lips are idiots but why would anyone pay tribute to a man that created a device that essentially killed off the album?
As if Tokyo didn’t suffer enough in all those Godzilla movies, Christina Aguilera’s recent Japanese tour caused millions of dollars of damage to the city’s infrastructure and caused massive food shortages. While ticket sales were sluggish, the newly obese singer must play arenas because they are the only venues that can hold a woman of her carriage. Weight Watchers has offered Aguilera and Axl Rose $1 million each if they can shed 150 pounds by this time next year.
The Black Eyed Peas have announced that despite rumors of a breakup, the group is only taking a break. When informed the group intended to stick together, NATO began flying drones over the homes of Will.I.Am and Fergie in hopes of driving them out of hiding.
Cameron Crowe’s documentary on Pearl Jam is so good he’s planning to make additional films on boring bands in hopes he can make them seem interesting. Crowe’s next project is rumored to be a four hour documentary on .38 Special.
U2 has re-released Achtung Baby just to remind all of us that they haven’t made a good record since that one came out.
Sammy Hagar says he was “crushed” to hear REM had broken up. The Red Focker tells us “I don’t know what was going on with those guys. When I was in that band we were so focused and driven to be the best we could be.” When we informed Hagar he was never a member of the Athens, GA college rock innovators he replied “Oh you said REM, I thought you were talking about INXS.”
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame says it will unveil its new “Midgets of Rock” exhibit next month. Chief curator Tommy Carcetti tells us the” Little people in rock are often overlooked. Without midgets, would anyone have watched MTV? Plus, let’s face it; this museum will never honor Ronnie James Dio. This exhibit is the closest he’ll ever get to enshrinement in the Rock Hall.”
SECRET STUFF! A legendary heavy metal band suffered a blow when one its founding members walked out on the eve of the band’s “farewell” tour. We’re told the reason for the “Metal God’s” decision to “head out on the highway” was the constant presence of American DJ Eddie Trunk. Our source in the band camp “Ram it Down” tells us that Trunk was always up the ass the band’s singer. While the band’s vocalist took great pleasure from Trunk’s place in his posterior, the rest of the band grew tired of Trunk always hanging out, eating their food, and mentioning it to everyone he came in contact with. After the vocalist refused to do anything about it, the founding member forged some “British steel” and walked out.
Manowar have released their line of Christmas products and while the band was hoping to sell vast quantities of its “Hail & Kill Egg Nog” we’re told sales of the product will be limited to one country. It seems the band members used bull semen in the festive drink and bull semen can only legally be consumed in Greenland. This makes “Hail & Kill Egg Nog” the most sought after Manowar import currently on the market.
Having beat “Operation Mindcrime” to death, prog-metallers Queensryche have announced they will now undertake playing their 1986 album “Rage For Order” in its entirety until their remaining fanbase is sick to death of that album also.
We were at Radio Shack last week picking up one D-cell battery with our Battery Club card and who should we run in to but our good buddy Tom Scholz of Boston. Tom wouldn’t confirm or deny that the capacitors and resistors he was purchasing were for the rumored Robot Brad Delp he’s secretly building but he did give us the scoop on the upcoming Boston release. The band has inked a deal with new vocalist Tommy DeCarlo’s daytime employer for exclusive sales rights to the new record. Expect to see a new Boston CD, available only at Home Depot in 2012.
*As always, Back Pages is a parody, so don’t get your panties in a wad.